Behold the ultimate guide for having cringe-worthy meetings! Embrace these surefire techniques to guarantee a meeting so horrible, it’ll leave everyone involved yawning or pulling their hair out in despair.

Step 1: Meeting Preparation

  1. Come completely unprepared. Let’s just show up and see what happens. After all, that’s the best way to get nothing done!
  2. Surprise agendas are the best, right? Pop it in the chat a hot second before we start, or better yet, let’s wing it without one!
  3. Objectives, who needs them? Let’s aim to “discuss stuff” or “get feedback” and leave it at that. Under no circumstances answer any of these questions:
    • What is your opinion on the matter at hand?
    • What specific actions do you want to happen in the meeting?
    • What tangible outcome do you want to be the result of this meeting?
    • Why is this valuable?

Step 2: Meeting Content

  1. Boring is the new exciting. Let’s make our meeting feel like a soul-sucking corporate manual.
  2. Start strong then…oh look, a squirrel! Keep ‘em guessing with half-baked ideas. Leave a lot of key details out.
  3. Mix facts, fiction, and nonsense liberally. Nothing succeeds like not knowing what the fuck is going on and pretending you do.

Step 3: Run the Meeting

  1. Warm-ups are for athletes. Don’t greet your colleagues and don’t give an overview. Dive into the chaos head-first and let’s get lost together. If it feels rushed and frantic, even better.
  2. Punctuality is overrated. Let’s start late, end later, and leave everyone wondering if time is a social construct.
  3. Do not conclude anything from the meeting. Decisions? Actions? Due dates? We’ll figure it out…eventually. Or not.
  4. Cool-downs are for yogis. “Hey, we’ve got 5 minutes left, let’s start wrapping up”? Skip it. Let’s end in a hurried frenzy.

And finally, you know when meetings can be a way for smart people to come together and have a great impact, collaborate, learn, have fun…?

Fuck that.

Let’s have meetings about meetings.